Since a couple of weeks ago, we are suddenly experiencing total disconnect and all around funniness towards each other. Does that happen to everybody just before they get married?? Or is it like in Bride wars where it's a sure sign of bad things to come?
This is what I think is going on... I figured it out last night in church, perched in between the best friends in the world, and yet feeling extreme loneliness.
I'm a runner! That's what this is all about.
Weddings are supposed to be perfect. There are so much pressure from everybody to have it that way. And somehow, I've been feeling from the very start that I'm not bridezilla enough for everybody. People would ask me how's the planning going, am I excited - and I'd be: "no?, it's just a wedding you guys... it's not me being saved by a man, it's not anything except a really expensive party."
I could see it in their eyes, the total disbelief that I am not going mental about this. Somehow, that crept into my mind. Why am I not excited? Why am I not freaking out? Is this really going to work out?
John's from a good home, his parents are still married, in fact, almost nobody in his family is divorced. Mine got divorced when I was thirteen... I should really have been over this by now, but clearly, it's still in the back of my mind.
Ever since then, I've never really committed to any real relationship. I've never even had friends really, because I knew they were going to move on, and so, really it was pointless trying to hang on to them.
This point of view has percolated into everything in my life, from moving houses to career jumps. I've just learned the hard way that people change and move on and not to get too attached to anything because in the end, people do what they want and you shouldn't deny them that freedom.
Suddenly, I met him, and he changed my perception. Here was a guy, a good guy, that totally understood my need for non-committal committed relationship. A guy who lets me be who I want to be, whom I don't even need to cook or take care of because he is as individual as I am.
So why is that the exact things I focus on now when the voices tell me to never get married? I tell myself that he's too individual, we lead almost separate lives, we eat differently, we drink differently, have different friends, have different views on everything from religion to movies... we are too different to make it work. And yet, I couldn't survive a normal relationship where I was the little wife, cook and cleaner and he was the husband.
John gets me, and I forget that all the time. He's a rock, and I'm like a cloud. We might be different, but we've always been amazing friends. He gives good advice and he's someone who believes in what he believes in, he doesn't change just because people don't agree with him. I on the other hand, want to please the world.
So, maybe it is true... before you get married to someone who is absolutely the right person for you, you tend to want to make him even more perfect than what he really is. And by doing that, you are setting him up for disappointment. He's the same guy, it's just that I've started listening to everybody's conversations of what a true and loving husband is... conveniently forgetting that I am the total opposite of a damzel in distress in need of a prince to come save her.
He phoned me now to ask me if we can adopt a cat. He's a homely guy, good gardener, good driver and good mannered (most of the time). He's good with animals and will make the best dad ever. He doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke and he'd rather be at home with me than go out with the boys. He is exactly the type of beauty I find attractive, a Johnny Depp kind of dark haired, dark eyed dark skinned kind of guy with his own style. And, he is a great kisser and an even better hugger. He's got beautiful hands and a good work ethic.
I'm an idiot.
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